Several months ago a friend of mine got an event invitation on Facebook from one of her ‘friends’ for this dance thing put on by a company that goes to different cities and sets up a nightclub experience in event centers/ballrooms/nursing room cafeterias. (Wow that sentence is long and horrible, but I’m not changing it). These events are geared toward high schoolers and the recently graduated, so that they can have crazy club fun without the risk of getting shot by 50 Cent or Puff Daddy or Poo Doody, or whatever his name is.
I am assuming that whoever sent this to my friend sent it to a lot of people. I make this assumption for two reasons: 1. This really isn’t Jackie’s kind of thing. 2. Jackie is 29 years old. Now Jackie works in enrollment at a Christian university and is a youth ministry volunteer, so she knows a lot of teenagers, and that would explain why some teenage girl would send her an invite to an Easy Bake rave.
Now maybe that sounds a little harsh to compare it to an illegal sweaty party held in an abandoned warehouse and fueled by drugs and repetitive music that hasn’t changed in over a decade. So that’s why I’m going to show you the flyer. Not all of it though; I will leave out the contact info and company name so as to let them maintain their privacy and not look like I am endorsing this.
Saturday, February 5 · 8:00pm - 11:00pm
Location
Kato Ballroom
200 Chestnut St. More Info
Mankato MN
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White T-Graffiti Night! Wear a White T-Shirt and bring a marker.
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*** Reminder that even during winter jackets / hats / gloves are not allowed inside. Please leave them in your car. Thanks ***
$10.00 cover charge, simply RSVP "Attending" on Facebook at least 3 days in advance. ID Required *** We just ask you click "Select Guests to Invite" (top left under photo) and invite your Friends!
- Didn't RSVP? Missed the cutoff date? Cover charge is $16.00 w/ID
Party is Open to High School Freshman through age 19!
Always playing today's Hottest Club Mix of hip-hop, pop, techno, slow jams, and of course a few old school favorites
* True Concert Sound!
* State-Of-The-Art Light System
* Multi-Level Dance Floor
* Snow Machines
* Bubble Machines
* Confetti Cannons
* Toilet Paper Gunz
* CO2 Phat Blasts
* Over 1,000 + Peeps
* Friendly Personnel
* Laser Light Show
See I really hope that this went off without a hitch and that this was a safe environment where nothing shady went down, but I think that when you try to copy something more adult (that isn’t necessarily a good idea in the first place) and try to make it for kids, I think that you are asking for things to go wrong. Even if nobody tries to sell drugs or spike the drinks, if you put ‘Over 1000+ Peeps’ who happen to be awkward and full of hormones into a dark room with pulsing lights and music and invite them to write on each other with Sharpies, I wonder if maybe you’ve been inhaling too many smoke machine fumes. With such a thin line between sexual assault and waving hello these days, I would think that there would be some more thought put into organizing an event where teenagers rub up against each other. I’m starting to wonder if they give you chloroform and a gagging bandana at the door.
Less important to point some of this stuff is really odd. I am really concerned as to why you must leave hats/gloves/coats in the car, even in the winter; do you surrender identification/telephones and cameras too? What the heck is a CO2 Phat Blast? Is this something will cause someone to rupture an eardrum or soil their pants?
This all makes me think of the Saturday Night Live character, Stefon. This Weekend Update City Correspondent and New York City club kid will occasionally show up and recommend that tourists visit night clubs that Update host Seth Meyers once referred to as ‘the nightmares of a crystal meth addict’. Things like Furkels (fat Urkels) and puppets in disguise (that thing where Alf put on a trench coat when he went out in public) are commonly found in Stefon’s favorite hot spots.
So let’s go even further than our friends in da club. Inspired by this event and also Stefon, here are some things they should have put on the docket.
-Flaming Robot Chainsaw Fights
-A Nancy Pelosi Frankenstein Monster
-Human Lawn Gnomes (It’s that thing where midgets dress up in blue sweaters and stocking caps and stand really still)
-Matadors playing Hungry Hungry Hippos
-The Dad from Even Stevens
-Free Pretzels
Okay, so there’s a lot of random stuff in this post, but I think there are really two points that I want to make: 1. Some things just aren’t good and you really can’t make them good. Often things will still be bad but for different and new reasons. 2. If you’re gonna be weird, then go big or go home.
As with my other posts, I hope this will be helpful in some way or another. God’s Peace be with you.
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