Picking Up Random Stuff and the Problems It Can Cause

This morning, I was in an elevator at the temp agency that hired me and I found a nicotine patch on the floor. As any who know me well (or even if you read the title) could guess, I picked it up and put it in my pocket. It is still in my left front pocket as I am typing this. It has been there for almost 10 hours.

The main question is why? Why did I pick it up? Why did it go in my pocket? Why is it still there now, when I have had numerous opportunities to throw it away?

The answer is very simple: I don’t know. I have no use for it (it’s also a prescription drug, technically; kids don’t take someone else’s prescription). I am not one of those people who automatically picks up litter when they see it. I am, however, a collector of random junk.

It has been this way as long as I can remember, and probably before as well. I can imagine a confused doctor wondering how the baby he just delivered came to be clutching a ball of twine. Although I do not remember it, one of my parents had to pull me out of oncoming traffic because I saw a really neat stick in the middle of the road. For a few years I had a favorite comb that I just so happened to have found in a parking lot.

We have come to the point of the post where you ask: What is he talking about and what it does it have to do with life? To which I reply: You’ve got some nerve, buddy.

My point is that just like the random stuff I pick up, our lives can be full of random things that we don’t really need. Maybe it’s a bad habit, or an old hurt that just won’t go away, or something you did a long time ago that you have yet to forgive yourself for. Chances are that in someway or another, the pockets of your heart contain some worthless, harmful crap that need to be gotten rid of. (That was a metaphor, but while we are close to the topic go get your cholesterol checked)

If there is stuff in your life that is dragging you down, get rid of it. It way be awkward, painful, or gross, but in the end will be worth it.

More Emoticons For Y’all

I have serious things to write about, at a later time. I have ponderings about life, love, and God to ponder at you, but we can do that in a while. Instead right now, I just want to come up with new emoticons. I talked about/created some new emoticons in a previous post, so here we go again.

Emoticons that Signal Happiness

-A nutcracker making Chinese food

-A duck wearing a stocking cap and playing hopscotch

-A wheelbarrow full of puppies with Mexican accents

-A ninja wearing glasses

-A long distance trucker in a muumuu

-Simon Cowell getting hit in the groin with a wiffleball bat

Emoticons that Signal Sadness

-A kitten in an iron lung

-An unemployed lion tamer

-French Stewart

-An entire case of diet energy drinks

I guess that’s it for now. I hope that this could distract you from your troubles for a moment or two. God Bless.

Breaking Out of the Loop

Several weeks ago, my parents and I were driving home from church. My dad was going through the radio stations, settling on a Christian station from Duluth. However, the radio station had other plans, playing a loop of ads for the station. Lots of information about today’s best Christian music, without any music to be heard. Strangely enough, we listened to this for about five minutes before finding a new station.

I bring this up because quite often we each end up in our own loop. For a long time, I talked about how I really needed to find another job, but I never really did anything. A friend talked about how I should move down to the Twin Cities area, both so I could make some life changes and so that I could help him with the youth group at the church he works at. I thought that would be cool, but I kind of let that go for over a year, just sort of talking about it and never making any plans.

Recently I made a big change and I broke out of that loop. Without going through all the details, it became very apparent that God wanted me to let go of a lot of things I was holding on to and to move down to the Cities and so this past weekend I did. I am still super nervous and don’t really know my way around, and there are a lot of things to be worked out, but I am here. I have taken a huge step of faith, and I believe God will be faithful.

Maybe there is some sort of loop you’re in. Break it. That is really about all I have to say right now. Being stuck in a loop is not healthy, unless that loop is constantly being awesome. In that case, don’t break the awesomeness loop.

A New Form of Sexism That Women Won’t Mind

As many of you may already be aware, the word ‘bromance’ has now been added to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary (the interesting thing is that I will have to now add it to my laptop’s dictionary). The official definition is a close nonsexual friendship between men, which seems like an oddly tame definition to me, considering some of the passionate bromances I have seen portrayed on television and film.

This is a perfect example of the increasing popularity of transforming similar words into new words by replacing the first three letters with ‘bro’. Examples of this include:

-Broseidon, Lord of the Brocean

-brotassium

-1985 Texas State Brodeo Champion

Men have the opportunity to engage in this lighthearted/insufferable banter, and I suppose some might argue that women should be able to do the same thing. The most obvious choice for this is using ‘sis’, short for sister.

But I think this is probably a situation where there will be no protests about gender inequality, and I have two reasons for this.

#1: Even though I really enjoy exercising my creativity and coming up with new bro words, it can get annoying. So I imagine that the same thing might happen with sis.

#2: I imagine that sis words will get annoying a lot quicker than bro words. Why? Because it’s really difficult to come up with words/phrases, and what is there is awful. These are some that I came up with:

-sistematic theology

-sistic fibrosis

-sisboomba

-sistemic lead poisoning

Now, imagine calling a woman any of those. Doesn’t matter what your gender, you will get stabbed. Your attempt at lightheartedness will end poorly.

So what’s the point of all of this? Maybe it’s that it’s safest to call someone by their name, instead of increasingly elaborate and silly nicknames. Unless their name is Turdlington. Then it’s okay to think of something else.

‘Christian’ Products, the Prophet Samuel, and My ‘What the Crap!?’ Moment of the Day

http://www.myfourmonkeys.com/2010/09/band-angels-bible-inspired-bandages-for-kids/

As the title suggests, I want to talk a little bit about ‘Christian’ products. This is a topic that I weighs on my heart, for I am a follower of Jesus Christ and I use products, as I am sure many of you are and do as well.

The topic of ‘Christian’ products is also one that I have very strong opinions about, but it really depends on what the product is and why you bought it. There is a bottled water called ‘Living Water’ that has the Bible verse on that topic on the label and is donated/sold at low price to missions organizations and given away at ministry outreaches. Would I call bottled water ‘Living Water’? No, but I think their heart is in the right place.

However, there is a product that I came across quite a while ago that I want to talk about. It is called Band Angels Adhesive Bandages. They are bandages that have cartoon, Precious Momentsy, angels on them, along with one of three separate Bible verses about healing.

Now out of objectivity and fairness, I sometimes like to do some research on a topic, so that I can accurately make fun of it. Originally I was just looking for an image to post, but I found a webpage that sells Band Angels that also contained quite a bit of information about the product and why it was created, including an eight and a half minute Youtube video. I read the page, and watched the video; I will include the link so that you may do the same.

My ‘What the Crap!?’ moment of the day came as I took in this information. While the product came out of what appears to be a very sincere and noble goal (a couple helping their young granddaughter cope with juvenile diabetes), it seems to quickly turned into an opportunity to make money by putting Bible verses onto something. Maybe that is a harsh and cynical conclusion, but that is what I got from watching the video and I invite you to form your own conclusions from it as well.

So people making money off Jesus, no big surprise there. What did it for me was the sales numbers: Band Angels has sold over one million bandages in over 700 retail stores. It did not say if those figures include internet sales/distribution, but either way that is a lot of band aids misusing Isaiah 53:5.

My question is a simple ‘Why?’ Why do things like this sell? I think that in part it can be traced back to the book of 1^st Samuel, when the Israelites have asked the Prophet Samuel to crown a king for them, so that they can be just like everyone else. Samuel then brings this to the Lord: And the LORD told him: “Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king. As they have done from the day I brought them up out of Egypt until this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are doing to you. (1^st Samuel 8:7-8, NIV)

So what does that have to do with band aids?, you should rightly be asking. I think that sometimes we get really obsessed with minor details in our faith, and those details get in the way of the big picture, which is our relationship to God.

I believe that Christians should support other Christians, and give them their business when it is appropriate to do so. But, when we run around trying to make sure that everything we have is ‘Christian’, we run the risk of putting that in front of Christ like living. We run the risk that we will push God aside in our pursuit of Him; that we will bow at the altar of the false god of Stuff, just like all of those who do not know Jesus.

I think there are a lot of issues involved in the purchase of ‘Christian’ products, and I have chosen to examine a narrow part of that. I encourage you to look at the link, to watch the video, to comment on this post. If you think I’m wrong tell me. I just want to be cautious, and to throw a word of warning out into the vastness of cyberspace (does anyone use that term anymore?) I just hate the idea of someone missing out on genuinely knowing and enjoying their Savior because they were to caught up on trying to find ‘Christian’ toilet paper.

Becoming Like the Paparazzi

The optometrist or ophthalmologist or whatever it’s called at the Alexandria Wal-Mart is named Dr. Derek Bonaci. I think that’s how you spell his name. Anywho, he’s the eye doctor at Wal-Mart. I see his name and his picture just every time I am there (this week it has been almost every day so far).

So I get a lot of face time with Dr. Bonaci…’s photograph. So I had this idea that it would be kind of funny some time to go up to him and say ‘Are you Derek Bonaci? The Derek Bonaci?’ And maybe ask him for his autograph, and say how great it was to actually meet him.

And if I felt like lying, I would claim that I had actually done that, that Dr. Bonaci was deeply moved in some profound way, and not just thinking I was some wiseacre up to some tomfoolery. Which it would be, the type of tomfoolery you would expect from some who uses the word ‘tomfoolery’.

But, I wonder what would happen if we started to treat other people like the paparazzi treat celebrities. I do not mean getting into car chases, just to get a ‘casual’ shot. I do not mean going through your neighbors’ garbage, or looking for ‘baby bumps’, or any of that stuff you see in the check out line or on the E! network.

I am talking about making a big deal out of other people. I am talking about giving people your full attention, no matter who they are or what that interchange will get you.

Why? Because each and every person you came into contact with today is someone that God is passionately in love with. Because if Jesus was physically in this room with me right now, I believe that I would have his undivided attention. Because no matter the level of humility or modesty, everybody wants somebody to pay attention to them at some point. Because I believe it is a great way to love your neighbor as you love yourself.

Emoticons Are Threatening to Consume Us All

So, bottom line, I am not a teenage girl. As such, I do not have many teenage girl tendencies. Yes, I did say ‘many’, instead of, oh say, ‘absolutely none whatsoever, just what are you insinuating?’ But thankfully the sources of my teenage girlishness are becoming less and less dominated by teenage girls themselves.

For you see, I am a huge fan of Justin Bieber.

Psych! I happen to spend a decent amount of time on Facebook, particularly using the instant messaging feature, and I have started texting quite a bit within the last year. While navigating through the typing jungle, I have encountered a few intelligence crushing pythons along the way. Along side horrendously poor spelling and increasingly baffling abbreviations, I have grappled with emoticons.

Oh emoticons! I guess I don’t have as big a beef against them as the title blatantly states. However, on the days where I question my masculinity, I look at myself in the mirror and firmly state, ‘At least I don’t use emoticons.’ Except for when I typed some punctuation marks together on Facebook and it actually turned into a face with it’s tongue sticking out (oddly enough, I would have been okay if it hadn’t transformed). The only way to fully recover from that was to kill a bear with an ax.

So I started to create my own emoticons. Not images necessarily; I just type out something outrageous and confusing. Most of them are meant to indicate happiness, but some do refer to disappointment. So the rest of this post is dedicated to own special brand of emoticons. Some I have used before, some I’m creating right now.

Emoticons of Happiness

-A squirrel using a deep fryer

- A possum with a mullet

-A bear holding a shotgun

-A flamingo in overalls

-A dog in a sombrero

-An old man carving a wooden spoon out of a slightly larger wooden spoon

-Carrot Top falling down an escalator

-A chimp hitting a kangaroo with a folding chair

Emoticons of Negativity

-A dying skunk watching ‘Battlefield Earth’

-A clown with a lazy eye and a straight razor

-Your eighth grade health teacher

-A Wal-Mart greeter with diarrhea

So okay, I like to have some sort of point to my posts, other than just being goofy. Well most of the time, anyway. Those two posts about ways to feel young contained -48% helpful information. But I guess if there was anything of actual lasting value that I would like to add to this, I would ask, no implore, everyone to quit using so many flipping smiley faces, learn to spell the words properly, and quit creating abbreviations- I mean abbrevs.

I am fairly convinced that this kind of behavior is either making us dumber as a nation or proving how dumb we’ve become. I know this because I have seen people sign notes with ‘laters’ instead of sincerely. So please, please, please, learn to spell. And don’t use all those smiley faces. Unless you are in fact an 8 year old girl. But even then you should probably know better.

How to Miss Out on Your Purpose in Life (While Looking For It)

So I said that I would post something about the week I was camp and I am doing that right now. In this post. That you are reading. I am keeping that promise as you read this. This is annoying. The only thing that keeps it from totally Rob Bell-ing is the presence of a paragraph format.

From July 31^st to August 6^th, I was a faculty member for the 9^th and 10^th grade Zone B at Pine Haven Christian Assembly in Park Rapids, MN. The faculty are the volunteer counselors and deans who run the week of camp along with the paid staff who are there all summer and the manager who runs the camp year long. It was a smaller week than was expected, with only 50 campers. After the first few days, we just decided to quit making jokes/griping about how small the group was and just enjoy the opportunity God was giving us to interact on a more personal one-on-one basis.

One of the sayings that was thrown around quite often was ‘Camp is for the campers.’ It was originally intended to remind us that we are there to serve the campers and reflect Jesus Christ, not just hang out with each other when we have the opportunity. However it was mainly used by the campers to ball out the faculty for being better than them at flicker (it’s like ultimate football with a much more Owl Cityish name).

But that week was for me too. I got to see friends, serve others, get away and do something different. During that week, and the weeks before, God was doing something in me that I can only describe as punching me in the heart. This happened in a few ways, but I will only discuss one of them here. It is, as the title indicates, related to figuring out what your purpose in life is, and how easy it is to miss it.

Now, I believe that we have a purpose for being here. The creation account of Genesis tells us that we were made, which says right there that our existence is not mere coincidence. Throughout the Scriptures we find God using ordinary (e.g. flawed, sinful, fearful, sometimes downright awful) people to accomplish mighty things for His glory and for the betterment of the world. My apologies for not listing a bunch of them; take it as an encouragement to dig into the Word of God.

With this knowledge of how God has used people in the past and how I see Him use those I know, I have been wondering a lot about what my purpose is. And I think that’s okay, to a certain extent. Knowing what God wants us to do with our lives is important. But you can go about it the wrong way as I did, for the pretty much the last two years. So here is how to not do that.

#1. Do not let the more specific purpose of your life blind you to the broader, and much more important purpose of your life: We are all created with different abilities and talents, which lend to the different areas of service of the One who gave them to us. But you and I also have a purpose greater than that, a purpose shared by each and every human being who has ever or will ever walk the face of this earth: To know God personally, and to enjoy being His child. To accept His love for us and in response, share that love with those who have yet to hear. From Genesis through Revelation, old covenant and new, this has been God’s plan for us. A trusted friend reminded of this about two months ago, and rather idiotically I couldn’t see her wisdom.

#2. Your specific purpose is not for you: What God specifically has in mind for you is not for your glory; it is for His pleasure, to draw people closer to Him, and to strengthen the Body of Christ. It is not to give you worth; your worth should be found in Christ and Christ alone. It is not to gain the love of God, which can neither be gained nor lost, but will always be.

#3. Above all things, seek God and His Kingdom: During the week, we would do devotions in the morning. One of the deans spoke each morning and then we (campers and faculty) were given handouts relating to what was spoken about that morning and how it related to the theme of the week.

It was Wednesday morning’s devotion that contained the familiar passage of Jeremiah 29:11- ‘For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ This is from a letter the prophet Jeremiah has written to the nation of Israel, the people God chose to use as ministers and messengers to the world, who have been finally been exiled for their constant disobedience.

While this is a wonderful verse, we often ignore the full context of the passage, myself included. So I came upon the next two verses, which struck me just so- ‘Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’

God must be sought first and foremost. He is not distant, and He will reach out when you cannot, but He has to have your heart. You see, I hadn’t so much been seeking my purpose as I was whining about not knowing what it was. I was not striving to know God or to please Him in ways I already know are pleasing to Him. I think to call it a half-hearted attempt is being exceedingly merciful. Not only was I missing out on my greater purpose, I was doing a craptacular job looking for my more specific purpose, which I think is kind of sad.

Fortunately, God is ever forgiving and ever merciful, as long as we are humble and willing to admit our error. When we look anywhere than to Him, we are sinning. Even when we look towards good things and have noble purposes, they cannot be a substitute for a passionate pursuit for the One who passionately pursues us. Not knowing what tomorrow holds, I told on to the One who holds tomorrow itself. And I think that’s the best advice I can give on this matter.

　

Trapped in a Jumpsuit and What It Taught Me

I got trapped in a jumpsuit while in a thrift store dressing room. (I realize I’m giving quite a bit away, even considering the title. But really, when you think about it, it takes a good first line to open a story, like ’It was the best of times, it was the worst of times’, or ’Go, dog, go!’ ).

Towards the end of my college career, I went to a local thrift store with Bill, a freshman that year and fellow food service employee.. This store has a large variety of items from clothing to old books to scary looking VHS tapes that aren’t dirty but aren’t really clean either.

I wasn’t looking for anything in particular at the time, so I just drifted through the aisles. I had found all sorts of cool things in the past, and I was not disappointed this day, either; for there, right in front of my eyes, were a few sets of coveralls, the kind mechanics wear.

I began to flip through them, searching for my size, when I came upon the suit for me. On first inspection, it met all of my qualifications: the tag said extra large. I took it to the dressing room and began to put it on. Does it fit the legs? Check. Waist? Check. Arms and back? Kind of tight, maybe I should stop zipping right now and get out of this thing.

Oh crap, we hit a snag here. My arms don’t want to pull out of the sleeves. Maybe if I pull a little slower…Nope. Maybe if I bend…Danggit. Wait… Nope again. Well I am definitely stuck. There’s nothing left to do but go out and ask for help. That’s the mature, responsible thing to do. Unless… Ow, ow, ow! Time to go out for real. Crap.

I unlatch the dressing room door and peek my head out, scanning the immediate vicinity for Bill. While I do not know Bill as well as one should before they ask them for help in extricating oneself from a used jumpsuit, but I felt like it was really the best option. Bill is not in my immediate line of sight. I lean out the door a little further and scan the perimeter. Nope.

So I walked out in the ill-fitting jumpsuit, looked around until I found Bill, had him come back to help me, and my coveralled nightmare was over. Psych! Seriously, would this story have really mattered enough to warrant a post, much less teach me something valuable if I had behaved in the right way?

No, I went back in and tried to get out by myself. And you know what? I made it out of that jumpsuit. It probably didn’t take very long, but it felt like forever. At one point I was considering if it would be easier to cut the suit open with my fingernail clippers or simply just dislocate my shoulder. By the end of the whole thing, I’m pretty sure I sweated in places I didn’t know had sweat glands.

Ultimately, not trying the coveralls on would have been the best decision, but after that the best decision would have been to swallow my pride and find someone to help me get out. But instead I tried to go it alone.

By using the world around us, God is constantly trying to get our attention, to reveal to us the nature of reality. When I was stuck in a jumpsuit, I think God was saying ‘Karl, it’s okay. You’re stuck, and it’s scary and awkward, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. I know you’re embarrassed, but that’s okay. I know you feel vulnerable already, but if you are willing to be a little more vulnerable, it’ll all be over really quick. Help is available if you reach for it.’

And, as previously explained, I almost ripped my arm off trying to get out by myself.

When we are in trouble, there is always the option to turn and ask for help. With God it is never too late. As the Body of Christ, we are to share each other’s burdens, carrying one another when we cannot stand ourselves, and ultimately pointing each other to the Great Physician, who is Jesus himself.

This is something that cannot happen however, if we stay in the dressing room and only peak around the corner of the door. God is within reach; He has not moved and is reaching out for you as far as He can. God knows that you need Him and no matter what you have done or how long you have fought against Him, He is slow to anger and abounding in love. He is near and not far; His ears and His heart are wide open, waiting for nothing else than for you to speak to Him.

What’s So Annoying About Grace?

Off the top of your head think of someone who really irritates you. Someone who you do not enjoy being around. Someone who just seems to suck the joy out of the room. Someone who makes you want to see what happens if you were to focus on happy memories and shout ‘Expecto Patronum!’ Or, if you prefer, someone who makes you regret not destroying all their Horcruxes when you had the chance.

I can think of two people like that.

Chances are you can, as well. Maybe you can name several. Frankly I am depressed that I could think of one regular, everyday person who makes me consider combating them with magic powers, much less two. Nonetheless, we all have people that challenge our patience. We all have people in our everyday lives that frustrate us, who through their words and actions, are hurtful.

And as much as I would like to throw down some witty remarks or maybe a shield charm (to those of you who may have issues with Harry Potter, I apologize and that was the last joke), what I really need to do is to show them grace. What those cranky Dementors need is grace (I guess there was one more reference in me; as you will see if you keep reading, I am in need of grace as well).

One of the most well known Bible verses is John 3:16: ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.’ The problem with it being so well ingrained in my mind is that I completely forget that Jesus said ‘the world’, not ‘Karl’.

When I chose to accept what Jesus said that I needed, I said that I would obey him and allow him to change me and make me more like him. And while Jesus continues to work in my heart, I still forget that I am greatly in need. I am saved but not perfect; I need to remember that because of the grace that I have been shown and am shown on a daily, hourly, secondly basis, I need to give that grace in return, whether others people need to know it or not.

So tomorrow, when I want to say something snotty or throw a punch that could have come straight out of Street Fighter II, hopefully I will remember how I hurt or disappointed the people that I love this week, and how they didn’t dropkick me in the face. And hopefully, I will be able to live up to their example.

What’s so annoying about grace? (Full disclosure here, I totally forgot about coming back to that until now, or mentioning that Philip Yancey has a book entitled ‘What’s So Amazing About Grace?’ that I hear is super awesome). It’s that I am not supposed to keep it to myself, but to share it. That’s annoying because I fail at sharing grace in so many ways on a daily basis, but like I said in that previous paragraph/false ending that was caused by sloppy writing, tomorrow is a brand new day. (Unless it is somehow July 28^th, 1985 tomorrow.)

Grace Like Parking Lots

If you look out at any random parking lot, you will probably see the same thing: some cars that are really nicely and squarely parked, and some that are parked so badly it makes one question when Stevie Wonder became a parking attendant. The driver side is right up against the line and the door is just waiting to bash up against the car on the left as soon as it’s open an eighth of inch. The wheels are turned so far to the right that if left that way you will manage to rear end yourself as soon as you pull out. The kind of park job your ancestors would be ashamed of (I’m talking pre-automobile ancestors, who will quickly get over your magic rolling box and focus on how badly you suck).

The kind of parking that I usually do if I am in a hurry or just don’t care. I am very bad at parking, or anything that involves creating or following straight lines actually. I would say that, without frequent backing up and reparking, most of the time the only reason that I am in a parking spot has to do with how wide the spot is. Whether or not I am tucked away safely in a spot or hanging the butt end of the car out is not entirely dependant on me; sometimes it has to do with who painted the lines.

I think that the parking lot is quite a bit like God’s grace. If I’m not in the parking spot, I’m not in the parking spot; I could be parked nice and straight and not be in a parking spot. I can be parked at a 37 degree angle and on fire, but if I fit in that spot I’m in.

In a similar way, a right standing with God cannot be negotiated. In order to be square with God, we have to admit that we can’t do it on our own. We accept that we need the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and we let the Holy Spirit into our lives so he can change our hearts and minds. I do not set the standard, but I am not expected to me it on my own either.

I once wrote something similar, but it was shorter and better written than this, but as always I hope that what I write stimulates thought or can be beneficial in one way or another. Remember: Your park job will look crappy sometimes and other times it will be nice and neat. What matters is that you are in a parking spot. You will fail to live the way God wants, but not always. What matters is if you have trusted Jesus Christ to paint the lines of the parking lot.

Everybody in da Club Gotta Study for Their Math Test

Several months ago a friend of mine got an event invitation on Facebook from one of her ‘friends’ for this dance thing put on by a company that goes to different cities and sets up a nightclub experience in event centers/ballrooms/nursing room cafeterias. (Wow that sentence is long and horrible, but I’m not changing it). These events are geared toward high schoolers and the recently graduated, so that they can have crazy club fun without the risk of getting shot by 50 Cent or Puff Daddy or Poo Doody, or whatever his name is.

I am assuming that whoever sent this to my friend sent it to a lot of people. I make this assumption for two reasons: 1. This really isn’t Jackie’s kind of thing. 2. Jackie is 29 years old. Now Jackie works in enrollment at a Christian university and is a youth ministry volunteer, so she knows a lot of teenagers, and that would explain why some teenage girl would send her an invite to an Easy Bake rave.

Now maybe that sounds a little harsh to compare it to an illegal sweaty party held in an abandoned warehouse and fueled by drugs and repetitive music that hasn’t changed in over a decade. So that’s why I’m going to show you the flyer. Not all of it though; I will leave out the contact info and company name so as to let them maintain their privacy and not look like I am endorsing this.

Saturday, February 5 · 8:00pm - 11:00pm

Location

Kato Ballroom

200 Chestnut St. More Info

Mankato MN

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White T-Graffiti Night! Wear a White T-Shirt and bring a marker.
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*** Reminder that even during winter jackets / hats / gloves are not allowed inside. Please leave them in your car. Thanks ***

$10.00 cover charge, simply RSVP "Attending" on Facebook at least 3 days in advance. ID Required *** We just ask you click "Select Guests to Invite" (top left under photo) and invite your Friends!

- Didn't RSVP? Missed the cutoff date? Cover charge is $16.00 w/ID

Party is Open to High School Freshman through age 19!

Always playing today's Hottest Club Mix of hip-hop, pop, techno, slow jams, and of course a few old school favorites

* True Concert Sound!
* State-Of-The-Art Light System
* Multi-Level Dance Floor
* Snow Machines
* Bubble Machines
* Confetti Cannons
* Toilet Paper Gunz
* CO2 Phat Blasts
* Over 1,000 + Peeps
* Friendly Personnel
* Laser Light Show


See I really hope that this went off without a hitch and that this was a safe environment where nothing shady went down, but I think that when you try to copy something more adult (that isn’t necessarily a good idea in the first place) and try to make it for kids, I think that you are asking for things to go wrong. Even if nobody tries to sell drugs or spike the drinks, if you put ‘Over 1000+ Peeps’ who happen to be awkward and full of hormones into a dark room with pulsing lights and music and invite them to write on each other with Sharpies, I wonder if maybe you’ve been inhaling too many smoke machine fumes. With such a thin line between sexual assault and waving hello these days, I would think that there would be some more thought put into organizing an event where teenagers rub up against each other. I’m starting to wonder if they give you chloroform and a gagging bandana at the door.

Less important to point some of this stuff is really odd. I am really concerned as to why you must leave hats/gloves/coats in the car, even in the winter; do you surrender identification/telephones and cameras too? What the heck is a CO2 Phat Blast? Is this something will cause someone to rupture an eardrum or soil their pants?

This all makes me think of the Saturday Night Live character, Stefon. This Weekend Update City Correspondent and New York City club kid will occasionally show up and recommend that tourists visit night clubs that Update host Seth Meyers once referred to as ‘the nightmares of a crystal meth addict’. Things like Furkels (fat Urkels) and puppets in disguise (that thing where Alf put on a trench coat when he went out in public) are commonly found in Stefon’s favorite hot spots.

So let’s go even further than our friends in da club. Inspired by this event and also Stefon, here are some things they should have put on the docket.

-Flaming Robot Chainsaw Fights

-A Nancy Pelosi Frankenstein Monster

-Human Lawn Gnomes (It’s that thing where midgets dress up in blue sweaters and stocking caps and stand really still)

-Matadors playing Hungry Hungry Hippos

-The Dad from Even Stevens

-Free Pretzels

Okay, so there’s a lot of random stuff in this post, but I think there are really two points that I want to make: 1. Some things just aren’t good and you really can’t make them good. Often things will still be bad but for different and new reasons. 2. If you’re gonna be weird, then go big or go home.

As with my other posts, I hope this will be helpful in some way or another. God’s Peace be with you.

Something to think about

This is a little story I wrote to keep my mind sharp and my wits keen.

The Waiting

Aaron stared at the clock; the seconds dragged on. Each second feels like an eternity, he thought, then realized how cliché that sounded. Thank God I didn’t say that out loud. Not that there’s anyone to hear me anyway. Just me, and The Waiting.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Each tick a shotgun blast, each tock a rock through a pane of glass. It would have hurt his ears, had it not all been in his mind. But when you’re alone and there’s nobody else to make noise, even the slightest sound can be the loudest thing in the world.

Of course Aaron would never have noticed the sound of the clock or even be thinking like this if it were not for The Waiting. If not for The Waiting, then he could be off doing something else, anything else but this cursed Waiting.

But Aaron stayed, not feeling very patient, but still Waiting. For he knew that

soon would be The Arrival.

For you see, it is The Arrival that makes The Waiting worthwhile. No matter how tired one gets of waiting for something, if it is something good, something pure, something lovely that you are waiting for, then however long you wait and whatever you endure while you were waiting for that something to arrive is totally worth it.

This is what Aaron reminded himself of, what he was clinging to in order to conquer The Waiting. For whatever sheer misery was found in The Waiting, it would be nothing compared to the pure glorious joy found in The Arrival, and he would know that it had been worth it.

The microwave dinged; the Hot Pocket was done. The Waiting had ended, The Arrival had come.

Forever Young…Or Immature Part 2

This is a further installment of things to do to help you feel young. Please try them out.


#4. Tell long stories that ultimately have no point or jokes that aren’t funny. How many among us of have listened to a small child try to tell a story or a joke? It usually doesn’t go well, and let’s face it: if we laugh it’s because we have no souls and we are laughing at the poor kid’s inability to realize their failure. And we continue to listen because we do not want to crush the child or to inhibit the fledging creative spirit growing inside of them. In telling a pointless story or humorless joke, we embrace the wide eyed naiveté of youth while at the same time giving other adults that precious opportunity to build patience and self control while someone is wasting their time.

#5. Loudly (and poorly) sing songs that were popular when you were school aged in an inappropriate situation. The added enjoyment of this is that most (97%) of the songs that were popular in your youth weren’t that good. So when you walk into a mostly quiet office and start singing ‘I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I really, really, really, really wanna zigga zigga ah!’, you are irritating on multiple levels.

#6. Dancing anywhere. Little kids dance all the time. Sometimes they’re good; most of the time they are uncoordinated and move like Michelle Tanner on muscle relaxers. Doesn’t matter how well you move, take that move and bust it wide open, anywhere. And I don’t just mean at places where people are already dancing, like at a wedding reception or on the set of High School Musical. I mean ANYWHERE. Here is a list of suggestions to help you in case your imagination is atrophied from disuse:

-Wal-Mart

-Dentist office

-H and R Block

-Emergency room

-Street corners

-Funerals…Wait.

True Love Waits…And Waits, and Waits Some More.

I have a deep seated belief that for many of life’s situations, there is an analogy based on something from The Simpsons. There is an episode where Homer is cast on Itchy and Scratchy as the voice of Poochy, a hip, in-your-face kung fu gangster surfer dog. In Poochy’s first cartoon, Itchy and Scratchy are on their way to a fireworks factory when they have their first meeting, which consists of Poochy rapping about how cool he is. It goes on and on. Finally, Millhouse, practically in tears, screams, ‘When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?!’

And that is how I often feel about marriage and sex.

Now, I’m not writing to discuss what the Bible has to say about sex. I believe that the Bible teaches that sex belongs between a husband and wife, and that’s it.

What I am writing about is how difficult it can be to hold to that. Notice how I didn’t say ‘in this day and age’; I’m pretty sure that maintaining sexual purity has always been a challenge. P.S. Being single does not eliminate the problem; it’s just different and kind of creepier.

But anywho, sex is everywhere these days. It’s on TV, in magazines, and on cereal boxes (I am beginning to suspect that Tony the Tiger is actually a furry). American society, and the west as a whole, give a lot of messages about sexual activity, which often conflict in one way or another, but agree that it’s really up to the individual what to do with your body.

The thing is, it is my choice. And I am choosing to admit that I have a great capacity for foolishness and that God knows better than I do. If God says to do or not do something, He has a reason for saying it. Because He’s God, and He’s smarter than me.

But knowing that you are taking steps in the right direction does not make the journey any easier.

So what is it that keeps me going, or not going, as it were? For one thing, I look at how well it works out for people when they go with their own plans for sex and not God’s. It’s not that God can’t or doesn’t restore us after we’ve sinned, but I’d rather not go through any extra crap.

But there are other issues at hand in this. I don’t think the issue is really ‘Am I ever going to have sex?’ or ‘Am I going to be alone the rest of my life?’ I think the question is ‘Do I trust that God is good and that He knows what I need?’ Do I trust that God loves me and wants to give me what is best, and that that might not be exactly what I think it should be right now? And, ultimately, I have to ask what I value more; do I want God the creator more than His creation?

In the section of Matthew known as the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells us not to worry (Matt. 6:25-34). Jesus reminds us that the birds do not work or store up food, but he provides them food and drink. The lilies of the field are beautifully dressed, so we should not worry about clothes. These are the things that the world worries about. We are to put God’s Kingdom first, and the things that we need will be provided.

So when I keep all this in mind, for myself I have to add ‘Therefore do not worry about who you will make out with, or whether or not you will sleep alone for the rest of your life. Do not worry about sex, for sex will worry about itself.’

I don’t know how coherent any of this is, but I think about this a lot. I have to trust that God has created everything with a proper time, place, and context. I am choosing to believe that a deeper and more intimate relationship with God should be of the highest priority. And that if He wants me to be married, it will happen, and if He doesn’t I won’t. Although the idea of God calling me to permanent celibacy does kind of tick me off, to which a friend told me that that’s probably a sign that He hasn’t done that.

Oh well. Time will tell.

Forever Young…Or Immature Part 1

At the time I am writing this, I am 26 years old. And while I am not old by any means, some days I really feel that way, and I’m sure you do, too. So here is a list of fun things to do that will get the blood pumping and make you feel young at heart, even if you can’t feel young anywhere else.

#1. Throw something that one is not normally expected to throw. Desks, books, traffic cones, breakfast burritos, bricks, etc. This tip is also handy if you want to feel more like Batman. When you throw things, you’re not thinking about responsibilities or finding true love, you’re thinking ‘I hope the wrong person didn’t see that’.

#2. Drink a Mountain Dew more than once a year. Nothing says youth like an unnaturally high amount of Yellow 5. I want to be perfectly clear on something: Mellow Yellow does not count. Although they are essentially the same soft drink, Mountain Dew is much more ‘youthful’. Mellow Yellow has not had an alternative flavor in over 5 years, and it is not associated with extreme sports, obnoxious yelling, or barbell style earrings. Further more, Mellow Yellow has a much more soothing name; it’s got ‘mellow’ in the name, for crying out loud. While Mountain Dew sounds unassuming and peaceful, it’s original spokesperson was a cartoon hillbilly moonshiner. So here’s to Mountain Dew, which is low class on so many levels.

#3. Running in a circle and shrieking. Really, come on. Do I have to explain this?

To be continued...

What this is all about (what the title means).

I had something that was on the way to being semi-thoughtful written out and then I pressed the wrong button and totally lost what I was writing. Which is the kind of thing that happens to me a lot. So I will try to be brief and awesome all at the same time, which only has a 78.9% chance of taking place. So before an explanation of the title, some reasons for doing this.
1. I have a lot of odd ideas that I need to write down so I don't forget them.
2. I need a creative outlet that I am actually plugged into.
3. My friend Jackie says I should write a book, and while this isn't a book, it is a start.

So what is A Beautiful Weirdness all about? Notice how it's capitalized here but nowhere else? Capitalizing things just makes me feel cool. Anywho, there a few reasons that I have chosen it as the blog's title.

Although there are a few different things I could say about where this title comes from, I am going to instead tell a story. In the weekend of May 20-22nd, a lot of rather crappy things happened in Minnesota, where I live. I expect that most of the readers who will see this will be friends and accquaintances and therefore already know that, so if you didn't shame on you(?)(I guess.)

It was a bad weekend. On Friday the 20th, in Osakis (a town east of Alexandria, where I live, tsk tsk, shame on you, again), a woman came home for her lunch break and was beaten to death by the man who had broken in to her home to rob it. On Sunday the 22nd there was a tornado in Minneapolis. And more personal for me, my mother went into the hospital after finally admitting to my dad that vomiting blood was a good reason to go to the emergency room.

It was a rough week. The vericose veins that were on my mother's asophagus leaked about 2 quarts of blood into her stomach, the doctors put about 5 units of blood back into her. We took three separated trips to the St. Cloud hospital where she had been transferred, and it really killed my desire to go back there just to look around at Barnes and Noble like I have been known to do in the past.

On the Wednesday of that week I experienced a moment of beautiful weirdness (finally he's getting to the title, the imaginary reader says). St. Cloud now has a White Castle, and my dad and younger brother and I had never eaten at one before. So we went in, and place our order for a lot of tiny hamburgers.

There was an all 70's radio station playing. Just before they called my name to get the food, 'Gotta Fly Now', aka the theme from Rocky started to play. No joke. I kind of imagine myself eating those burgers again, only now I'm in a grey sweatsuit. Immediately after that, they began to play 'I'm On Top of the World' by the Carpenters(?). You know, 'I'm on top of the world, lookin' down down on creation, and the only explanation I can find...' That one.

Songs of triumph and joy played as we ate those tiny, greasy burgers, crinkle fries, and drank their medium pops, which are 32 ounces, booyah. It was like Harold and Kumar, except far less filthy and full of drugs.

Things like that generally don't happen in real life. Movie like things happen to me a lot, but I make them happen. This came out of nowhere, and I believe it was a gift from God. The Bible has so many verses where God tells us that he knows what he need, and that we can trust him to provide for us. I confess that I was not, and am not right now, totally feeling that trusting in God.

God knows our needs, and I think what I needed right then was just to laugh, and experience something out of the ordinary. To have something beautifully weird happen and to have it take me completely by surprise, without my own doing.

That is what I want A Beautiful Weirdness to be about: Sharing the things the things that God has taught me through strange circumstances. Using the way God has wired my brain to bring to His truth in a way you've might not have thought about it before. Saying ridiculous things. Trying not to rip off Jon Acuff to terribley. That is what a beautiful weirdness is all about.